ANGER

Anger

When the moment comes where you're just so fed up of the world that you wanted to scream, but it seems that screaming isn't enough. When you are full of anger and hatred inside you that you just want to punch and break things, but even destruction isn't satisfying. They say that you should express your feelings--your anger--into something worthwhile like writing or painting it. But what if even words can't express that depression, anger, hate, sick-feeling, madness, and inexpressible emotion inside you? It seems bottling it all up is the best option. So what if you go insane? Wouldn't it be their fault that you're starting to grit your teeth and rock back and forth in anger? Isn't it their doing why you can't scream out loud all those feelings inside you? Aren't they the reason why you're so fed up of the world and you can't find that happiness you've always looking for? They are the reason why you just wish to draw blood out of your wrist, use that blood as an ink to write curses and cusses, look at that piece of paper, and wish that it would just be enough for you to calm down, slow down, and find the reason why you're so angry towards everything...towards the world. 

You see people as the reason why you're like this: The person who is angry at the world, the person who trusts nobody, the person who sees pain as a friend, the person who has no voice to speak up. It's the world's wrong doing why you're feeling nothing but anger, pain, hate, and why you see yourself as so low and so dark. They are the reason why you, too, judge yourself, because they have judged you first. You wish to smile a real smile, you wish to have sparkling eyes, you wish to have ears that listens to someone and by listening you can trust them, and you wish to have that light heart and feeling inside you. But how could you have those things when all those wishes can't come true because they have killed Santa for you? You smile because you don't want to explain why you're frowning or crying, you're eyes...instead of the beautiful shade of blue or brown, there is this black coating over it, seeking revenge and answers, your ears are closed for advices, for that music the world creates, and your heart...the most broken one...it's shattered to pieces and no one seems to notice it. They just kept stepping on those fragile shards, not caring if you're hurting. Why would they care? You're already broken anyway. 

Intimidated

After the Christmas rush in buying gifts when I came home, I quickly turned on the laptop and checked for updates. Eventually, I still can’t get my 5 free paperbacks from createspace. One, they won’t accept my manuscript because the royalty thingy was named after my sister and not me. So I have to inform them that I approve for my sister to have my incomes if ever I got to sell my book. And guess what? I still have to wait a day to get there response; either a Yes or a No. Two, I am not that confident anymore about my manuscript. I mean, first of all, who would want to trust a 16-year-old kid who wrote a rushed-story in four days? Most would think it’s full of crap and that’s what brings me down. Second of all, I still have this bugging feeling inside me that I didn’t write it well enough. I want to re-write the 243-page story.

And you know what? To intimidate me even more, my silliness encouraged me to skim through this website about literary agents. I’ve heard that you have a better chance of being known when you have a literary agent plus, they arrange interviews and tours for you. Sweet deal, huh? Again, I am underage and I don’t have a job yet so I can’t pay for a literary agent, luckily, the payment is if ever I sell a book. I can’t wait for the royalty check. ^_^ but then again, reading about creating a query for a literary agent and how big of percentage I may be rejected took the spirits out of me—yet again.

See, I know writers should have this mental preparation for rejections. But this is my first time, okay? And it’ll be hard for an easily-moved-and-sentimental teenage kid like me to accept rejection no matter how optimistic I try to be. Though coincidence or not, when my mom bought me my medicine, there’s this little paper attached to it. Written on it was; “ACCEPT YOUR MISTAKES. Mistakes teach us precious, rare lessons that can’t be acquired by success. Be willing to take new direction in life. Accept and face the reality and move on with life." -MD ROBINSON

The last line bothered me a little. If accepting reality means facing the cruelty in this world and knowing that there are soldiers out there not coming home for Christmas, then I guess I’d prefer to live in fantasy where everything is possible and fairies just say 'bibitty-bobitty-boo' to grant a wish. Though that’s a little sidetracked from the quote. Mistakes teach us precious, rare lessons that can’t be acquired by success. Well, you learn from your mistakes and experience is the best teacher. I believe that when you don’t commit a mistake, then you’re not succeeding at all. I guess I should start building up that courage in revising again my manuscript and trying to create a query letter and then finally, submit one. All I need is a little motivation, a little push, and a  little support from—whoever you are. Be rejected? I’ll try my hardest to accept it and move on to another rejection. I guess I’ll just find a thousand ways to be rejected and then discover the right one to be accepted. [Rings a bell? ;)] Though in every mistake or rejection, I’ll do better every next time.

Happy Holidays! Rejections, I am armed for you!

Re-write until you're satisfied...Say what?

I have finished proofreading “Scarlet” and as far as I’ve read it, yet again, I am not satisfied. I guess what they say is true. One will always find it hard to be contented with his work. No matter how many times you have proofread and revised your work, in the end you will still not be satisfied. There will be no perfect story, just a better one. And I am believing that I am achieving for the better of “Scarlet”.

My main concern, though, is I’ve been using ‘but’, ‘as’, ‘though’, and ‘because’ too much that it’s getting irritating. Thanks to my sister for reminding me that I can cut the lines to drop off the weak words. ;)

And for the record, seeing that it’s December 23^rd when I’ve started proofreading the story at December 22^nd, 9 P.M., I didn’t feel tired at all. In fact, I feel like I could be awake the whole night. It won’t be a good option, though, since my head is starting to ache but I still don’t want to sleep. [there goes the ‘though’ and ‘but’ again. Ugh]

Oh yeah, there’s a tip I’ve read; you need to abandon your story for a month or two. The “A” word seems pretty scary, but it seems like a good tip. I mean, it would be a good one to see your story in a new perspective. As far as I’ve edited today, I just abandoned my story like—let’s say—23 or 24 days? Geez, I need to abandon it once more before revising it again. I hope I can finish proofreading this and be contented with it before January 30, because that’s when my free 5 paperbacks from Createspace.com expires.

Wish me luck :) Happy Holidays and procrastination, be gone!

First Step

Well, hello to you...whoever you are.  See, I’ve decided to record my progress in achieving my dreams. Now I do feel like Julie in the movie “Julie and Julia” when she started blogging her progress in cooking Julia’s food though in my case, I am here to blog about how I am doing with my writing. Here’s a little histroy of my ‘dream passion’.
I started to write a silly story at the age of thirteen, my 1^st year in high school. This story is about a girl who met a prince and a bad boy. It’s kind of a typical teenager love cliché and to be honest, as I read through it at my current age…I find it humiliating. One, I gave the prince a weird surname—Lingerie. Of course I didn’t know what that means back then until my sister told me what. Next, I have written another novel based on my favorite anime. I must say, I did a pretty good job at that and it’s finished though I am not yet done proofreading it. I, too, am embarrassed again.

At the age of 13 to 15 years old, I’ve written tons of unfinished stories and some are still stuck inside my head or inside a USB with virus in it that can be deleted any minute. Well, back then I was thinking “Why can’t I finish a story?”, and the answer came to me.
I don’t know how to make a skeleton of the story. Though I finished three novels without making any character description or such, as I skim over it…the stories are CRAPTASTIC. They’re ready to be burned.

But now, I knew how to do the basic steps. Creating your character’s storyline, their appearance, the plot, the by chapter tiny story, etc. And with that, I’ve finished a story that I am proud of. Well, I finished this because I wanted to join NaNoWriMo 2012, a writing event. Last November, I remembered NaNoWriMo suddenly so I checked on it and guess what? I started to write “Scarlet” four days before the event ends. I skipped school for three and a half days and busied myself in finishing Scarlet. I wasn’t able to finish to 50,000 words but hey, luck was on my side because they’re having a ‘Young Writer’s Program’ where the target-words are just 30,000. I made my novel to 47,000 + and I was able to submit it and win. The feeling was inexpressible and skipping school was worth it. Now, I am hoping to publish “Scarlet”, self-published or not.